How Not To Vlog: Confessions of a Bad Vlogger

I thought it was time for me to do this post--rather timely after vlogging guru (or who I lovingly now refer to as the vlogging police) Daisy Whitney guest posted her rules and tips for vlogging over at Lisa and Laura's place. Well I just about died when she watched my vlog because I am the WORST vlogger on the planet--no really I am (if you've been hanging out here, you know this, if you're new, you're about to find out), and I totally broke all of her rules. And since she is the expert on How One Should Vlog, I decided I'd dish out the expert advice on How Not To Vlog since I am a professor and all, and use myself as the guinea pig example.

Ok ready!

1) Never vlog sideways! Like ever. There is just no reason for this, mostly because many people have their computers situated right side up. Also apparently our eyes are all biologically and genetically positioned on our faces to see things right side up--who knew? So unless you're vlogging to an audience specifically made up of people who do yoga exercises with their necks at a 90 degree angle, do your vlogs right side up. For real.

Exhibit A

2) Don't vlog in the dark. Just because you have no problem seeing everything around you does not mean the camera feels the same way. Apparently, there is this thing called film school where people go and take classes on things like lighting. Just lighting! Nothing else! Somewhere out there a movie is being made and one person (or maybe more) was hired purely for the purposes of lighting. If you don't have lighting, this is a bad thing. The purpose of a vlog is for people to see you. Otherwise you fail.

Exhibit B

3) Silence your cell phones when vlogging. It seems like common sense, right? You silence your cell phone when you go to the movies. So you should silence your phone when making a movie. You'd be surprised how many people don't do this (Frankie runs and hides). Ok fine, just me. See exhibit B.

4) Don't do silly things in your vlog. It will make you look funny and people will think you're wrong in the head. Examples of silly things to not do in your vlog are SQUEEING with your entire body and also saying things that should be left to twitter like #windinmyhaaaaaaaaaaaaaaiiir. Also see exhibit B.

5) Plan what you're going to say in your vlog in advance. It's important to go into your vlog with a plan and a script. otherwise you find yourself stumbling over words like ramblings of a wannabe scribe (exhibit B). Also you end up talking about sparkling water in the distance and suggesting that one of your favorite things in the world is cloud transformations. Cloud transformations? Really? Yeah really. If you have a plan, than you can avoid this.

Exhibit C

6) Edit your vlog, shoot it multiple times, add cool graphics, use movie making software,add in songs and words and cool scene switches. All of these things make your vlog look cool and professional and therefore make you look cool and professional. If you don't do any of those things than you are basically shouting out to the world that you never knew there was a guy hired for movies entirely for the purposes of lighting... (ok running to hide again).

7) Don't use your car as a tripod. I mean duh! There's a reason tripods were invented, and it has nothing to do with getting you from spot A to B. Just saying. See exhibit C.

8) Don't vlog in public. It's simple. If you vlog in public you're probably going to get caught. And if you don't get caught then you're worried you'll get caught. The entire situation puts you under a high level of duress and you'll find yourself suddenly clutching your car keys inappropriately, checking over your shoulder for deer, wolves and park rangers, and also...

...it quite possibly leads to the worst crime of all...

9) Don't sing in your vlog, unless you're like Susan Boyle (Ive been told my singing could kill cows and as a vegan I have to honor that and never do it). If you sing in your vlog and you sing while under duress because you are vlogging in public and about to be caught, then you will probably break into a horrible song about how you're going to be found in the park by people who will think you're a freak for talking to yourself alone with your camera sitting on your tripod car. Beyond completely humiliating yourself by singing, it will be the only thing people remember about your vlog, not your cool hair, not your love of cloud transformations, but the fact that you sang about being a freak. Exhibit C...

10) Last but not least, don't vlog directly under the sun, it will wash you out and no one can really see your face. This is almost as bad a crime as vlogging in the dark. But nonetheless this is a crime.

Finally, if you listen to my advice and never do any of the things I do, then I promise that you too can be an awesome vlogger, even if you never knew about the lighting guys. :-)

And to answer some of the questions I recieved from my last vlog...

Myra McEntire asked...Do you sleep? Really. I want to know. Like EVER??? What do you eat for breakfast? Where does all the energy COME FROM??? IS IT THE BELLY DANCING??? I want to KNOW.

Ummm no. I don't sleep...much. I try to, but it never works. I'm like broken. I go to sleep late and expect to sleep late, but my body just wakes up at the crack o'dawn, except on the mornings I really have to be up early.

For breakfast...maybe a sprouted bagel with tofutti cream cheese or cereal with rice milk, or a green smoothie.

The energy...I don't know...not from sleeping. Maybe from the tofutti, maybe it's just lack of sleep loopiness. Beats me.

The belly dancing? Ahhh, that might be the answer:-)

Sarah W asked...Are you a vampire? (because like Myra, she doesn't think I sleep).

Well, Sarah...I don't know. I think we have to ask what kind of vampire I could be, because I'm clearly ok in the sun. So this means that I'm not a traditional vampire (if I am). I can basically be a Twilight vampire of a Vampire Diaries vampire. Seeing as how my skin didn't sparkle, that takes Twilight out of the question. And so I guess I'm a Vampire Diaries vampire...except I wasn't wearing a special ring...so....I'm going to go ahead here and say no...I'm not a vampire (not even a vegan one--sorry).


Also I'm totally going to vlog again. What should my next vlog location be? I wonder how many times I can do this before getting caught vlogging in a public place??? Hmmmm....

:-)